Barstool’s Weekend Soccer Preview – The “SOCCERS BACK (+ Liverpoo/Spurs)” Edition
Sam’s Safe Space For Soccer Stoolies
Hi Haters™,
Got damn it feels as though it been several eons since a ball was legitimately kicked in anger but it is with great joy that I am able to officially announce: REAL SOCCER IS BACK AND YOU BETTER BELIEVE WE ARE DOING MALE AND FEMALE BONERS!
If you – like me – can barely remember what was going on before the latest international break, do not fret because I am going to do a real quick run-through on where things stand before we jump back into things, but first a brief recap of the only thing that matters from the past two weeks:
Sucks, I know, but turns out CP’s small quad tear should only keep him out 3-4 weeks (unfortunately Weston McKennie’s ankle injury is a little more serious but #PositiveVibesOnly) so for now let’s take a couple deep breaths and start getting our mind right for the weekend ahead…
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ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE
Results from last time something happened:
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POWER RANKINGS
TOP 4
1. City
2. Liverpool
3. Arsenal
4. United
Honorable mention: Chelsea, Newcastle
BOTTOM 3
20. Huddersfield
19. Fulham
18. Bournemouth
Dishonorable mention: Tottenham, Brighton
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Table as things stand:
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WAIT, SO WHAT’S STILL TO PLAY FOR?
TITLE RACE: Liverpool, City – the Reds are up two points but City has a game in hand… this should be a lot of fun, folks
TOP FOUR: Spurs, Arsenal, United and what the hell I’m feeling charitable let’s toss Chelsea in there too – TWO all-important Champions League spots still very much up for grabs
EUROPA: Wolves, Watford, West Ham, Lester, Everton – City won Make-Belieague Cup and could still win FA Cup meaning there could be as many as three spots available this season (though still TBD)… alas, per usual, Big Six clubs are likely to snap up the first two leaving only ONE Europa spot to be fought for
SUMMER VACATION PLANNING: Bournemouth, Newcastle
RELEGATION BATTLE: Palace, Brighton, Southampton, Burnley, Cardiff – at least ONE of these buckeroos are going to face a fate worse than death
WALKING INEXORABLY TOWARDS THE LIGHT: Fulham, Huddersfield – all the yikes
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And finally this weekend’s schedule:
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PICKS OF THE WEEKEND
Liverpool [-185]
Tottenham [+450]
Draw [+300]
Member when dumdums everywhere couldn’t stop talking about Spurs being in the title race?
Let’s call a spade a spade: Spurs have sucked a fat one lately, finding new and special ways to lose to Burnley and then Southampton, donating precious points to relegation contenders and basically begging the likes of Arsenal and United to catch them in the table. Not a good look. And don’t look now but Spurs probably have the most difficult stretch run of any of the other “Top Four contenders”. (Neither here nor there but the team with the easiest road home is………. Arsenal – so I guess what I’m saying is let me be the first to congratulate the Gunners on an improbable comeback after a turrrrrrible first few weeks since there’s pretty much no way they screw it up at this point!)
At the same time though, Liverpool have been about as consistent as Boris Johnson’s political beliefs (Brexit joke!). The Reds have been bouncing back and forth between curb-stompings of Bournemouth, Watford and Burnley, and looking extremely lethargic against Lester (draw), West Ham (draw), United (draw), Everton (draw) and Fulham (close win). It is sort of a miracle that they are in as good a position in the table as they are given how hot City have been lately. Unfortunately precisely because City looks so unstoppable, any dropped points at all at this point could mean saying goodbye to their title hopes.
Both teams will be missing a few people. Namely TAA, Xherdan Shaqiri and possibly Naby Keita for Liverpool, as well as Serge Aurier, Harry Winks and Eric Dier for Spurs. I’ve been saying all season that I think Liverpool will ultimately slip by City and win the league so this pick won’t make a lot of sense, but this is precisely the type of game that Tottenham has no business getting a result from on paper. After all, 2019 Sadio Mane is basically 2018 Mo Salah, Virgil Van Djik is the best defender on the planet
and Spurs historically blow chunks at Anfield. So in a strange way it makes so little sense that I can’t help thinking Spurs may actually shock the world… by scoring first and hanging on for a 1-1 draw.
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United [-235]
Watford [+650]
Draw [+350]
United’s brass finally gave Ole Gunnar the keys to the castle. It is hard to argue that he hasn’t earned with the sudden turnaround and impressive results his arrival has ushered in… but I’d guess even the most hopelessly biased Red Devils fan would be lying if they said they didn’t have at least an inkling of doubt way down deep in their heart about whether he is truly on the same level as the likes of Klopp, Guardiola, Pochettino, etc.
As for this weekend, Watford have proven time and again to be a really tough opponent all season. However, it’d be silly to think the Hornets won’t already be looking forward to their massive FA Cup semifinal against Wolves next weekend. Coul they pull out a 0-0 or 1-1 draw if United don’t bring their A-game? No doubt, but given all the guys who are supposed to be healthy again for the home side (Martial, Rashford, Matic, Shaw, etc), tough not to go with them in this one. United to win 2-1.
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Brighton [+155]
Southampton [+200]
Draw [+210]
There is a lottttttttt more than neighborly bragging rights on the line in this one. In fact, it won’t be official in a mathematical sense, but I feel comfortable saying that the winner of this game will be unofficially be safe from relegation this season. Both clubs are coming off HUGE (and unexpected wins) with Brighton winning at Palace and Southampton sucker-punching Spurs. I’d give the Saints a slight edge on talent but you gotta give the Seagulls credit for finding results at home. Sounds like a split-the-baby situation: 1-1 draw.
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More picks (so I eventually get one right – maybe):
• FULHAM vs CITY – Look, I wanted to find some way that Fulham might be able to hang with City. I ran a bunch of models looking for some way they could get a result this weekend, in part because I really thought coming into the season that the Cottagers were talented enough to stick around. Alas, the numbers just don’t add up. They have conceded a million goals and City has scored a million goals. Babel and Mitrovic give Fulham enough of a thunder and lightning combo to score a goal here and there against anyone (especially with Otamendi, Stones AND Kompany all in doubt)… but they might end up giving up double digits. City to win 4-1.
• BURNLEY vs WOLVES – Wolves have been a PROBLEM for good teams, holding Chelsea to a draw and beating United (in FA Cup) recently but have a tendency to play down to their competition. Burnley to win 1-0.
• PALACE vs HUDDERSFIELD – Palace literally been going back and forth between good and shite performances since January… and their last game was a home loss to Brighton. Do the math. Palace to win 2-0.
• LESTER vs BOURNEMOUTH – The Foxes have an outside shot at Europa while Bournemouth should be too busy booking airbnb’s for June golf trips to be bothered at this point… yet Lester are missing some key guys (Harry Maguire first among them) and the Cherries have by far the more dangerous attacking unit outside of the top six. I usually go with the more motivated side in games like this but think Bournemouth are better than their table status suggests. Gimme a 2-2 draw.
• WEST HAM vs EVERTON – Europa eliminator! This game quietly has a TON of talent – even if (outside of Felipe Anderson) most aren’t quite consistent enough to make the leap to a Big Six club. In other words this could be a total shootout or a tepid yawnfest. I’m going shootout and putting my money on Richarlison and #GylfiGang. Everton to win 3-2.
• CARDIFF vs CHELSEA – This has been an incredibly frustrating season for Chelsea, and the 0-2 loss last time out at Everton was emblematic of the sloppiness and inconsistency that sees them rightfully languishing in 6th place. Thankfully (for them) the margins are thin enough among the EPL’s BSDs that a couple good performances plus Spurs being Spurs and United/Arsenal distracted by UCL/UEL means the Blues still may have an outside shot at finishing top four – probably not if they don’t take all three points this weekend though. Cardiff haven’t played in basically a month at this point so rest isn’t going to be a problem, but missing one of their few impact players in Mo Bamba (and arguably Callum Paterson) definitely will. Chelsea to win 2-0.
• ARSENAL vs NEWCASTLE – Arsenal have been a tough team to pin down recently, getting outplayed by Spurs and United yet coming away with a draw and a win. Haters will say that’s luck, non-haters will say it shows tactical proficiency. Might be a little bit of both if we’re being honest. Either way it has helped the Gunners jump ahead of United and cut Tottenham’s lead to a single point despite being objectively less talented not as good as years past. Then there is the matter of the away and home fixtures against wee Rennes in Europa in which the Gunners first got spanked then beat that frogeater ass back at the Emirates. Unai Emery is facing a bit of an injury crisis in midfield with Lucas Torreira suspended and both Granit Xhaka and Aarson Ramsey listed as questionable, and Newcastle is just the type of tricky (in-form) opponent that Arsenal will not want to face in a winnable must-win game. If all three miss out this has upset alert written all over it. Rafa Benitez will keep things tight and one mistake
could prove fatal. That said Arsenal are pretty damn good at home (as the second leg against the Frenchies showed), so they will probably find a way to fight through it and scrounge a result of some sort. A win? Maybe, but I’m going 1-1 draw.
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LAP AROUND THE WORLD
GERMANY – Bayern face Freiburg meaning that the pressure is on BVBabyjesus-less Dortmund to keep pace at home against Wolfsburg – both on Saturday at 9:30am CT.
ITALY – 6th place Lazio are 2 points behind 5th place Roma and 6 points behind 4th place Milan making Sunday’s visit to 3rd place Inter (1:30pm CT on espn+) a massive game as far as Champions League ramifications go.
SPAIN – Little ass Alavesis is somehow still hanging around in 5th place and has a huge home game on Saturday against Atletico Madrid (2:45pm CT).
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MAJOR LEAGUE SOCCER
Storylines galore heading into “week 5” of the MLS season, one of which concerns the only game that has already been played as Toronto remained undefeated after spanking NYCFC thanks to a little – okay a lot – of magic from Alejandro Pozuelo, their newly signed DP from Belgium’s Genk.
Day. Yum.
Fear not though, lots more interesting matchups on deck as well:
CHI/NYRB – Time to see if newly signed DP Nico Gaitan can be the missing link that the Fire have missed going forward… and whether they can sort out their defensive issues.
CIN/PHI – “Experts” shat all over Cincy’s summer moves but they have come out firing live bullets this season face a Philly team coming off a big win of its own against the previously undefeated Crew.
VAN/SEA – Sounders face hapless Whitecaps looking to become the first and only team to go 4-0 on the season
DCU/OCSC – Rooney vs Nani will be the headline and at some point DC is going to concede a goal this season, probably… will it be Sunday?
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So there we have it. Good weekend ahead. Check you on Sunday when I’m crying in my Cheerios. What’s more, we got more midweek soccer coming up on Tuesday and Wednesday as teams start making up for some of the various cup-related postponements.
Holler,
Samuel Army